If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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