Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
