Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
