god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Your dad touched me again.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
