But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
