Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
