My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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