mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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