I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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