My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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