hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
