i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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