upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
