we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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