I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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