How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
