you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
