I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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