Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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