I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
