i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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