I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
