Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
