My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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