I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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