when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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