Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
