just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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