I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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