Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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