did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
