Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
