The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
