Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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