atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
