If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
