I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
