maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
