Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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