3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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