I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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