i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
