She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
