you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
