o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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