Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
