I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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