i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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