In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
