u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
