Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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