We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
