if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize