Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
