also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
