i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I AM VODKA MAN
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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